Translating Posterous' post-acquisition PR speak to English

A translation of Posterous’s Acquisition FAQ in the tradition of Daring Fireball.

What happens to my Space? Will Posterous eventually shut down?

You can use your Space(s) exactly as you have in the past.

Please note the use of the present tense.

We’ll give you ample notice before any changes or disruptions to the service and we’ll provide specific instructions for exporting your content to another service.

Which you’ll definitely want to do because Posterous will definitely be shutting down.

Can I still post to my Space?

Yes, you can continue to post via email the Web or our iPhone or Android apps. We’ll give you ample notice before any changes or disruptions to the service.

Sure! I heard they kept serving drinks on the Titanic as long as possible too.

How can I backup or export the content of my Space(s)?

We’ll share instructions on how you can backup the content of your Space soon.

HA! Fuckifweknow! We’re trying to figure that out ourselves. We never wanted to give anyone the ability to leave us. It’s called “customer lock-in.”

I have the chapter highlighted in this “Free MBA over the Internet” pamphlet I found at the bus station.

Anyway, apparently Jim in accounting has a nephew who is good with XML. We’re going to give him $50 and our database password. It’ll be fine. It’s not as if data portability is all that hard, right? I mean, it’s all ones and zeroes.

What happens to my content if I don’t do anything to my Posterous account?

We’ll give you ample notice before any changes to the service and we’ll share clear instructions about how to move your content to other services. In the meantime, your Spaces will remain up and running without disruption.

It will disafuckingappear.

Listen, I’m going to be honest with you, and I’m going to speak slowly so you will understand: We’ve already abandoned Posterous. It’s the distant past as far as we’re concerned. Sure, we hooked it up to life-support before we left, and we’ll continue to keep it there… until the accounting department starts to complain about the cost. But Posterous is just a bullet-point on our résumés now.

I bought a custom domain from Posterous – what happens to it?

Our domain partner, eNom, will take over domain management. Over the next several days, you will receive an email with instructions for accessing your new domain account.

We took money for this part so we actually have a plan in place for dealing with it.

Huh… I just thought of something… what if we had — now this is going to sound crazy, but hear me out — what if we had given people a way to pay us for the service we were providing. I KNOW! I know! But if we actually had a business model which brought us money for the service we were providing, maybe we probably wouldn’t be shitting-ourselves-with-joy over being bought out by another company which also has no viable financial future.

Wow. I’m kind of bummed out now.

sniff

sniff

OOooh! Is that a fresh batch of VC cash in the break room? Let’s wrap this up, I’ve got to get in there before all the chocolate ones are gone!

I am redirecting my domain/subdomain to Posterous – what do I need to do?

Your domain or subdomain will continue to point to your Posterous Space. You do not need to change anything.

Yet.

Can I export my Space’s [sic] to Wordpress, Tumblr, Blogger, or another service?

Over the coming weeks we’ll provide you with specific instructions for exporting your content to other services.

We have a lot of faith in Jim’s nephew.

GTG! Call us! We’ll do lunch!